How to Handle a Failure
It’s now August and the results are in from Camp NaNoWriMo, also known as National Novel Writing Month. In the past two Julys I have written 50,000 words and over, but as I think we all have learned 2020 is a very different animal. Here’s my progress below.
As you can see I started out ahead, then dropped off for a few days. I came back and then just ran out of steam after July 18th when my grandfather passed away. Prior to that I was exhausted, and a bit weary from a bunch of stuff that’s happened at work and personally for a while. It seems 2020 just keeps giving more, erm… well, you know.
Here’s a different graph in case you’re curious about the specific details for each word count each day. In the past, I found data boring, but either I’ve changed my tune or all of the meetings about data at my day job have finally got to me.
I started out strong with day one, but after that struggled to stay in the game. When I would come back I’d work to get close to one thousand words, hitting the mark six days out of thirty-one with a final count of 10,904 words towards a goal of 80,000 words.
Now, first things first, something is better than nothing. 10,904 is a lot more than the haters that haven’t written a thing. Could I do more? Yes. I’ve done it. Is that what had to happen this month? No. Of course not.
I like to think of myself as a pretty disciplined person. I set very focused goals with realistic timelines, and don’t enjoy having things hanging out on my to-do list. Often I’m reminded of the sword of Damocles hanging over my head, which while that is an exaggeration, I have to tell you is not a pleasant feeling.
However, stuff happens. Life happens. And we should be glad for it.
There is a delicate balance between giving up and knowing when to take a step back. The power is knowing how to navigate the difference. The way I see it, matters of health, family, and home take precedence. My attention this past month was needed elsewhere and that was that.
Now I could’ve gotten frustrated or angry, perhaps annoyed at this necessary shift in focus, but that’s not emotionally efficient. There’s no sense in beating myself up for something that was out of my control. Instead, I tried to meet this when an attitude of gratitude that I wrote about a few months (years?) ago.
I’m not going to sugar coat it and say that this was easy to do. The death of a loved one isn’t something where you can slap on a smile and some self-care, but one simple thing I learned at the right moment was to say this to myself.
“This is good because...”
In my case, stopping writing was good because it gave me the freedom to travel to spend time with family. It was good to stop and celebrate my grandfather and grieve with my family. It was good to see my family even for a brief, socially distanced time because I had to cancel my trip earlier in July. Rather than focus on my short-comings and what I couldn’t do, I chose to focus on what I can do. We’ve all heard that the only thing we can control is ourselves. We can control how we think about something, and how much grace we allow ourselves. We also can control when and how we come back to our goals.
This last step is different for everyone, and there’s no handbook or rules for what is the appropriate amount of time and each situation is different. I have had breaks before from writing, once was the birth of my son, and another was a period of great change and anxiety. I took six weeks after the birth of my son, but three months after the other time, but I survived and came back. I think one of the worse tragedies to walk away from a dream forever. It’s never too late to come back to something.
I haven’t written yet, but I will. I’ve allowed myself some grace, some time, and am just giving myself a moment to get back on my feet. In the meantime, I’ve found myself circling back to simple joys I’ve always loved. Reading romance, knitting, and gardening have always helped me find my center and grow. Tonight is actually the first night I’ve sat at my desk in two weeks. Baby steps, but I’m here.
Here’s to finding our center and taking those next steps when we’re ready. When in doubt, all we can do is the next right thing.
Kathryn